Had gay experience when drunk
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He plugged in his headphones, clicked on an X-rated video and took a deep breath. It was around 3am, in the summer of , and relentless fears of homosexuality had tormented him since the start of the year. It felt like everything I thought I knew about myself was falling apart. It didn't make any sense.
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He had been my counselor for three years, was a school teacher somewhere, and was very kind to me. My first year in camp I was very home-sick and this kind and gentle man would hold me close to him, in private, and allow me dignity as I cried onto his shoulder. He held me, stroked my back but in no way did he take "advantage" of me. Over the next two years I had my parents request this man, whom I believed to have been in his late 30s, to be my counselor because I liked him and thought he was a very nice man. During my third and final year I began having sexual desires for him, wanted him to kiss me, and tried to give him several hints. While other boys were working their way towards medals and projects they could take home, my project was to climb in bed with this man. My chance finally came on a rainy night after all of us went to bed.
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We had dinner that night and met up for breakfast two days later, then I followed him back to his Airbnb while he packed. So I laid back and made little sighs of pleasure. It was only when he grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch that I jumped up and told him to stop. But I returned home confused about what had just happened.
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